Parenting styles are one of the things I remember most from my child development classes. I’m not sure if that’s because we focused on the topic or just because it resonated with me. Either way, I became very interested in the basic parenting styles and it has served me will in my career. I have served families with each of these parenting types in my practice, and like to go over these topics with parents. Even just acknowledging which type of parent you are can help provide you with insight and make any desired changes.
All parenting types have pros and cons, and the various parenting types can have differing impact on children. This can be true even with two children from within the same family. Regardless, our parenting style is important and will have lasting impact on our children, just as our parents have had lasting impacts on us.
The parenting game is always changing, which means that things are massively different than we were children. There is a lot that goes into this which I would love to get into in another post!
I’ll review the four basic parenting styles here, with hopes to talk more about other parenting types you may hear about in the future.
Authoritarian Parenting Style
Authoritarian parents display a high level of demand with a low level of responsiveness or warmth. This term is easily confused with the term for another type of parenting known as authoritative parenting – we’ll get to that in a bit!
Authoritarian parents focus on forced control and obedience. You may hear these parents saying “because I said so”. They are unlikely to give a lot of explanation about limits or leave room for discussion. These parents typically expect obedience without question from children.
They provide limited flexibility for mistakes, in fact, children often experience punishment for mistakes. Punishment often intends to make children feel bad, but does not often teach the skills that children are missing.
Children raised by authoritarian parents are often obedient and proficient. However, they also tend to demonstrate lower levels of happiness, social competence, and self-esteem. These children can also become talented liars, as they may be afraid of making mistakes and wish to avoid the associated consequences.
Disengaged Parenting Style
Disengaged parents demonstrate low demand along with low responsiveness or warmth. These parents are not necessarily abusive, however they are detached and do not respond to children’s physical and emotional needs.
They may appear indifferent, unresponsive, or dismissive of their children and children’s emotions. They typically provide minimal guidance, support, structure, or rules.
Children of disengaged parents show increased levels of depression, can have poor social relationships, and struggle to manage their emotions. They additionally show limited self-control, self-esteem, and overall confidence. Children will often seek out other supportive role models, but they may not find the best or most appropriate role models. They may exhibit behavioral problems and often struggle in school, as children need to feel both safe and connected before they are able to learn effectively. Children of disengaged parents are additionally more likely to exhibit this parenting style with their own children.
It is easy to have a negative view of disengaged parents, however in most cases that I have observed, these parents do not have bad intentions. They have either experienced this type of parenting from their own parents or they are having a difficult time personally. These parents do not have a lot of bandwidth left to argue with kids and maintain limits. This may be due to parents’ personal mental health struggles, substance use problems, or a lack of knowledge about child development and parenting.
Some parents can neglect their own well-being with the thought that this will be better for their children, but the personal health and well-being of parents makes us better able to raise children.
Permissive / Indulgent Parenting
Permissive or indulgent parenting is marked by low demand accompanied by high responsiveness. While these parents are warm and attentive to the needs of their child, they do not often have firm limits or expectations. These parents tend to have low expectations for child self-control and maturity, and you may hear the phrase “they’re just being kids” or “they’re just kids”.
I see permissive parents attempt to set limits at times, however they tend to struggle to enforce these limits with their children. Parents have a “hands off” view of parenting and children’s activities are not closely monitored. These parents often value the close relationship with their child and may have the tendency to become more of a “friend” instead of a parent. They allow children to make a lot of decisions for themselves, which can result in children with high levels of independence and self-sufficiency.
However, children thrive with clear boundaries and will continuously test limits and push boundaries with permissive parents (and with others!). These children may have difficulty responding to other authority figures in their life and experience difficulty at school. Children of permissive parents can additionally become impulsive and aggressive while showing low levels of self-control and achievement.
Children can additionally have other physical concerns, including dental and nutrition issues. This is often due to the parent wanting to avoid a conflict by allowing the child to avoid healthy but non-preferred habits (eating nutritious food, brushing teeth, visiting the doctor/dentist, etc.).
I have found that permissive parents can become very frustrated when attempting to better manage children’s behaviors after they have become problematic. Parents will often report to be that they don’t feel like discipline methods “work” as their children continue to push boundaries. In this case, I talk to a lot of parents about the idea of intermittent reinforcement. This is the same type of reinforcement provided by a slot machine. You do not win often, however many people will continue to play because sometimes they win and even hit the jackpot! When children are accustomed to being able to show more and more disruptive behaviors and sometimes getting what they want out of the interaction, they will continue to push boundaries in hopes of accomplishing their goal. Kids are smart!
Authoritative Parenting Style
Authoritative parents have high demands for their children while also showing a high level of responsiveness and warmth. These parents tend to leave space for child questions and to have discussions. They maintain parental control and power while also validating children’s emotions, listening, and problem solving with their children. Being empathetic and listening to the child’s viewpoint does not always mean that the parent will make a decision in the child’s favor. This allows the child to express themself and feel heard while maintaining appropriate levels of control for children. Providing appropriate levels of control can help children learn to assess risk and make decisions.
Authoritative parents often utilize positive reinforcement to help manage behaviors, as well as explaining rules and limits, discussing with children, and using reasoning. While parents are assertive, they are also understanding and supportive. When children make mistakes, parents will provide logical consequences while also being nurturing and forgiving. Parents aim to build missing skills within children when they make mistakes or demonstrate negative behaviors.
The goal of authoritative children is to create responsible, cooperative, and self-regulated children. Children of authoritative parents often have more positive attachment and relationship with their parents. They additionally are able to learn coping skills to manage emotions, have more positive behavior, and better academic performance. They also tend to be open minded and effective communicators.
Conclusion
There are numerous other parenting terms you may hear (attachment parenting, gentle parenting, helicopter, lawnmower, bulldozer, snowplow, tiger, elephant, dolphin, and free-range parenting to name a few) and I hope to return to this topic with more information at another time!
But again, the type of parenting we practice can have lasting impacts on our life. Think about your own experience as a child. What type(s) of parenting styles did your parents use?
It has been said that the voice of a parent becomes a child’s “inner voice”. The ideas and ideals passed down from our parents are ingrained in us, which is why we can often hear our parents voices and sayings escape from our own mouths. Even if we disagree with our own parents’ parenting style, it can still tend to slip out, particularly when we are stressed. This is why it is important to evaluate the way you were parented and evaluate the impact this may have on your own parenting style.
Which parenting style do you tend to use? I’d love to have a discussion about it!
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